Defying Gravity
by madasmonty
Summary: "I'm going to kill you." You already have David... Kurt's POV. Oneshot.


Defying Gravity

Once, ages ago, right at the beginning of when Karofsky started to push me around a bit, I'd come home and told my dad what was happening. I didn't mean to; it just came out. All that stuff about him taking the mickey (I wasn't going to say piss him) and calling me names and push me sometimes in the corridor. It wasn't that bad – I'd found out later how much worse it could get – but at the time I thought it was awful. And when I told my dad I couldn't stop myself starting to cry, so that it took me ages to calm down. I hiccoughed my way through the story, like my body was trying to stop me talking about it.

My dad had waited until I could breathe properly, until I wasn't sobbing anymore. Then, very gently, he told me not to let it bother me. "If you ignore it he'll get bored and stop. He must be unhappy in himself, which is why he's taking it out on you." He didn't pose it as a question, just a statement.

I looked at him in complete surprise. Was that all he could say? That couldn't be all. He didn't have a clue. Suddenly it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was on my own. Of course I always had been, but somehow that realisation was such an unbelievable shock it almost physically hurt.

I stood up quite calmly. "You're right." I said flatly, "I'm fine. Really. I'll just ignore it." He started to say something but I just picked up my bag and walked out, shutting the door on his pointless words.

The stupid thing was, I actually tried to do what he said. Then, and later when it got really bad. I ignored it, tried not to let it upset me. I tried to walk through school empty and transparent.

When I came home, I sat and ignored myself. I pretended I wasn't there; just an empty space, just air and dust. I had to sit for longer and longer before I felt myself fade away. I sat for hours with my head on my knees and my arms braced over my head like a passenger on a crashing aeroplane. Maybe, if I did it properly, I'd be able to forget about it. I'd be like everyone else. I wouldn't be a loser anymore.

Sometimes it worked, just for a bit, and I went numb. I could function then. It was a sort of relief, that airless gap when you could fold up your pyjamas or make a cup of tea and not feel it. But mostly, even then, I could see it coming back, rising like a tidal wave on the horizon. And then it was there again – I might have made a cup of tea but I couldn't drink it without throwing up. I may have folded a shirt, but it'd only get dirty and creased when I got beaten up tomorrow. I could stare at the TV, but everything I saw would be colours moving on a plastic screen. Everything was in shades of you-are-a-loser. And I'd always be a loser. I was nothing.

I'd grab the arm of the sofa and breathe, just to get through it. _Don't let it upset you. _But it was too late, I was already upset. All I could do was hold on, and wait for the misery to recede. It had to eventually. Sooner or later I had to come out on the other side.

* * *

><p>I sat on the floor and stared at the pretty colours. Red. The colour of blood. Blue. The colour of sadness. Green. The colour of sick. Just like I made him sick. Just like he said.<p>

The little multi-coloured pills were so innocent; their shiny casing was smooth and reflecting, hiding their inner meaning. They were going to kill me, these pills. I smiled a small smile, daring to hope. It had to be better on the Other Side. Anything had to be better than this.

_Why don't you get out of my face, homo? _

I leaned over to my iPod station and hit play. "Defying Gravity" blasted through the headphones and filled my hearing.

_I don't want you in this school, you faggot._

I reached down and clutched the small bottle, as Idina Menzel belted out the first chorus. I hummed along.

_Just get lost, you fucking queer._

I raised the bottle and popped the cap off, pleased with the satisfying sound the plastic made against my nails.

_I am going to kill you._

"You already have, Dave." I whispered softly, as I lifted the bottle to my lips and let the brightly coloured rainbow of pills stream into my mouth.

* * *

><p>Crawling...<p>

Falling...

Flying...

Dying...

* * *

><p>"<em>It's time to try defying gravity<br>I think I'll try defying gravity  
>And you can't pull me down..."<em>


End file.
